New client!

Setting: A lawyer's conference room. There is a large table, some chairs, pens in the middle of the table, and a box of Kleenex. The Kleenex were placed in there by me, because I'm tired of having to go grab them when a sob-story starts crying. I'm meeting a new client today. It goes like this:

My client, "Wanda," walks in with two of her friends. One is actually her cousin, a woman who is ~50, with bleach-blong hair that flows down to the middle of her back. She would be quite attractive, but she's missing teeth, it's a bad die-job, and she has more makeup on than a clown. Oh, and she's 50. But I digress. Wanda's other friend, however, looks relatively normal. Her hair is going everywhere, but she's nice enough and appears intelligent...if only she'd shut the fuck up long enough for me to finish my convo with my client.

My client is charged with a simple domestic.  Meaning, she got into a fight w/ her spouse / bf / live-in partner, but there wasn't enough harm to give rise to a more serious charge.  In this instance, she is accused of shoving a table at her man, then spitting on him.  I ask her (against my better judgment, but it turned out to be fabulous) what happened, and she vehemently denies all of it.  In fact, she begins to tell me that he's been abusive from the beginning , and she doesn't understand why she hasn't just left him.

It's at this stage that her blond-friend pipes up with, "Yeah, and one time, he kicked her so hard in the face that she pee'd herself!"

Struggling to maintain composure (because, really, will wetting oneself ever become not funny?), I manage to say "Man, that's a hard kick..." before finishing our convo and letting the women go about their day.

Domestic abuse isn't funny folks, but sometimes hearing them makes you smile like going to hell isn't all that bad of an option.

Background behind blog title

I had a hearing today.  It was a CINA hearing.  My firm represents Mom.  Mom is your basic, "I had sex with somebody I shouldn't have, have 2 kids from the relationship, but I'm WAY hotter than him, I am depressed all the time, and potentially have a chemical dependency problem" type of woman.  This is usually fine, as there are literally thousands of these women out there, but I'm in such a weird place in my life that I tend to run into problems with these women. 

My problem is that I haven't been laid in a LONG time.  My wife is perfectly pleasant, and despite some disagreements regarding timing and frequency, we've always gotten along well in the sack.  Now, with the divorce on the horizon, she naturally wants nothing to do with me.  Which is fine, I suppose (see "disagreements regarding timing and frequency, supra), but it leads to me not getting laid.  And when I'm already frustrated on that level enough, I start looking to places I normally wouldn't for a piece of ass.  Hence, my issues with our client above.

This woman has 2 kids.  She is ~8 years older than I am.  She's got...issues.  And yet, I want to do nasty shit to her.  Today, in court, I was debating on whether she was eye-fucking me before our hearing, or if she could TELL that I wanted to hurt her in the sack, as I was drooling all over the place from the second I laid eyes on her.  I asked a buddy, who convinced me it was option a), but I don't buy it.  If she shows up here asking for my number, I'll believe him.  Until then, I'll hump the courthouse walls while she's not looking.

Welcome to all

Quick summary.  I'm an attorney.  I'm married, for now.  I have a son and a daughter on the way.  My son rules, my wife is a marvelous mother, and I'm uber-pumped about my daughter coming any day now.  However, we're also getting a divorce as soon as she pops out.  Why?  Well, I'll touch on that later.  For now, don't worry about it.

Here, I plan on talking about my clients, some stories I hear in the courthouse, and some other shit that comes into my life that I find humorous, irritating, or at least worth talking about.  If you don't find them to be any of the above, then I'm sorry.  But you don't have to be here either, now do you?  So that's my intro.  Let's begin.